Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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