HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
