i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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