he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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