The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
