Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize