I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
