I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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