I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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