It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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