I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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