apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
