I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
