Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
