I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
