I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
