ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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