life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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