we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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