i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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