I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
