Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
