dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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