We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
