Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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