I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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