9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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