When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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