We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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