Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
