did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
