anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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