I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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