he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize