Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
