he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
