are you still at the devil's house?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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