ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I intend to get homeless drunk
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
