Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
