I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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