I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
