I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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