I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
