just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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