She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
