i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
