I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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