my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My liver just had a heart attack.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
