My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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