so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
