quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize