I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
