Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
