The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
