I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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