She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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